The PK’s of the Uncharted Territories

A filk based on Gilbert and Sullivan’s
“The Pirates of Penzance”

By Lauren (OboeCrazy)
With additional lyrics by Elnea

Story based on “Farscape: Premiere”
Edited for presentation at ScaperCon2001

The entire filk can be found at www.scaper.com

Cast

• John Crichton, an astrophysicist (played by DRAyKE)
• DK, his friend (played by Elflore)
• Jack Crichton, his father (played by Mnementh)
• Aeryn Sun, a Peacekeeper officer (played by Accapella)
• D’Argo, a Luxan Warrior (played by ArtistStudio)
• Rygel, a Hynerian Dominar (played by GroovyBob)
• Zhaan, a Delvian Priest (played by Violette-Frost)
• Pilot, a pilot (played by Elnea)
• Crais, a Peacekeeper Captain (played by Bloodwynd)
• Narrator, a narrator (played by OboeCrazy)
• PK#1 and #2, two PK soldiers
• Moya, a living ship (played by Elnea's keyboard)

Scene 1:  Earth

Narrator:  John Crichton is having his own small party with his friends the night before a big mission

DK:  You’re a bit quiet, John.  Anything wrong?

Crichton: I’ve just got some nasty rattlers that won’t go away!

Jack Crichton: It’s natural to be a bit on edge the night before a launch, son.

Crichton: I know Dad, but it’s not like this is my first mission!

DK: Cheer up John! Between my brains and your brawn what could go wrong?’

Crichton: Hey, what about my brains?

DK: OK, your brains and my brawn!

(Song from 'When Frederik Was A Little Lad')

Jack Crichton:
When John was just a little kid he proved so brave and quite smart
I knew right from his first birthday the space program he’d take part.
I was quite proud, I must admit, when in my footsteps he came!
And since that day of his first flight my life has not been the same!
Though sometimes glad, he could make me mad on some issues where we fought!
But in the end, he’s my son, my friend! And one hell of a fine astronaut!

Crichton looks embarrassed.

DK:
We’ll be good friends from start to end and even through disaster
I know that I can count on you in crisis even faster!
So go and fly our craft so cool and after time to space roam,
Come back and party hardy ‘cause you made it safely back home!
And if you happen to run into some cute and buxom Space Chick...
Then find out if she has a twin and then come home doubly quick!

They all share a good laugh and continue to party as they walk off stage.

Scene 2: Moya

Narrator: The next day Crichton blasts off, and once in space begins his test flight, but a wormhole opens up and sucks him into another part of the universe where he accidentally collides with another ship that explodes. 

All crew comes on stage, Aeryn and Crichton stand off to one side.

Narrator: Crichton and his ship, the Farscape 1, are brought aboard the living ship Moya along with Officer Aeryn Sun, who’s Prowler was caught as Moya made starburst to escape the enemy Peackeepers. On the command deck, Crichton is introduced to the others on Moya.

(Song from 'Oh Better Far to Live and Die')

D’Argo:
Oh, I would rather fight and die then let another arn go by
as a prisoner on this living ship! Any escape I won’t let slip!

Rygel:
Without me you would not be freed! Just remember that when I’m in need!
I’ll reclaim my throne and they’ll all sing: All Hail Rygel! The Hynerian King!
For...I am a Hynerian King! And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Hynerian King!
For I am the Hynerian king!

Everyone: He says repeatedly he’s a king!

Rygel: And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a royal king!

Everyone: AGAIN? Shut up about being a King! Shut up about being a king!

Zhaan:
A Delvian Priest is who I am. I’m a blue plant, my name is Zhaan.
I meditate and joined the Seek and examined you, but did not peek!

Crichton blushes.

Rygel:
When I return us to our homes you’ll also help me claim my throne!
I’ll manage, somehow, to give you more dirty work then ever I’ll do!
For I am a Hynerian King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a royal king!
For I am the Hynerian king!

Everyone: He bugs us all about being a king!

Rygel: And you are all just jealous because I’m a royal king!

Everyone:  Shut up! Enough about being a king! Enough about being a king!

Pilot:
I’m very happy to be freed, I’m only here to serve your need.
I don’t yet know quite where we are I don’t recognize any stars!
I’ll do my best to get you home, as through uncharted space we roam.

Rygel:
For situations I’ve been in worse, but I insist I go home first!
For I am the Hynerian King! And you all should bow down before me because I am a King!
For I am the Hynerian King!

Everyone: We could care less that you’re a King!

Rygel: And it is it IS a glorious thing to be a royal king!

Everyone:
Shut up! We could care less
that you’re a king
a painful royal …..                                                     

Rygel: I am a royal …

Rygel flatulates loudly.

Everyone and Rygel: (singing in high pitched voices) King!

All leave the stage making disparaging gestures (nothing dirty!) towards Rygel.

Scene 3: The Commerce Planet

Narrator: Moya and crew approach a commerce planet as Crichton and Aeryn introduce themselves in their cell.  Given the first chance they get they escape, jump in Aeryn’s Prowler and head for the planet.  They contact the Peacekeeper Captain Crais, who arrives just in time to stop D’Argo from recapturing them.

Aeryn, Crichton and D’Argo come back on stage. Crais, PK#1, and PK#2 come on stage from the other side.

Narrator: When Crais tells Crichton that the human is responsible for his brother’s death, and his revenge will be slow and painful. Aeryn speaks up to say she thinks the collision was an accident, and that Crichton was not responsible. Crais turns on her.

(Song from 'Oh False One! You Have Deceived Me!')

Crais: Oh false one, you have deceived me!

Aeryn: I have deceived you?

Crais: Yes! Deceived me! You told me you’re a loyal grunt!

Aeryn: And Captain am I not, sir?

Crais: And now you’ve fallen for this runt! (points to Crichton)

Aeryn: I’m just telling the truth, sir!

Crais: He killed my brother in his pod!

Aeryn: An accident he claims, sir.

Crais: I’ll face him front a firing squad!

Aeryn: You judge too harshly please, sir.

Crais: Contaminated, Officer Sun, I will pronounce you!

Aeryn: Captain, listen! I am loyal!  Spare me what you do!

Crais: Faithless PK!

Aeryn: Captain! Captain!

Crais: Faithless PK!

Aeryn: Captain! Captain!

Crais gestures for D’Argo, Aeryn, and Crichton to be taken away, and PK#1 and PK#2 flank them.  Aeryn turns to Crais to continue to plead their cases

Aeryn:
My service record standing, you’ve been more than demanding!
Take this lower life-form, but I ask spare his life!
I only serve the PKs, please don’t make me go away!
I just tell the truth, I just tell the truth!
Don’t, my harsh taskmaster, crush me with disaster!
What is such a life-form to the duty I have here?

Crais: Faithless PK to deceive me, I who honored so!

Scene 4: The Commerce Planet

Crais stalks off stage.  PK#1 and PK#2 look at putting some (imaginary cuffs) on Aeryn and D’Argo and Crichton comes to the front of the stage.

Crichton:
What shall I do? If I go with these PK’s all our lives are now sure to be over!
No no! I must go for this guy’s gun now, and then escape back to Moya!

Crichton grabs the gun and holds off the PKs

Crichton: (to the PKs) Don’t move! Or I’ll fill you full of little yellow bolts of light! (to D’Argo) Can you get me off this rock?  And we take her too.

Aeryn: No, I won’t go with you!

D’Argo: And I won’t take her.  You are manageable, she is not!

Crichton: I’m not leaving you here!

Aeryn: I won’t go!

(Song from 'Oh Is There Not One Maiden Breast')

Crichton:
Oh, is there not one being here who doesn’t blindly follow duty?
(to Aeryn) You will stay and then you will die!  And that idea just doesn’t suit me!
(to D’Argo) You cannot give up on her life! She can be such a help in our case.
So rescue such a pair as us, your ill reaction of her has no base! So help me save her life!
So rescue such a pair as us from our unfortunate position.

D’Argo: If you insist we take her, then I have no way to un-persuade you!

Aeryn: It doesn’t matter in the least, I will not be going with you!

Crichton:
(to Aeryn) Oh, can’t you see beyond training and beyond what the PKs told you?
You’re life is worth much more than this.  Come with us is what you should now do!
If you should come, you will be free.  You’ll be surprised what life has in store!

Aeryn: But it’s my training; life from birth!

Crichton:
I’m telling you that you can be more!  More than the PKs say!
I’m telling you, you can be more!
So come with me and see what life, what life has in store!

Aeryn nods, and the three run off stage.

Scene 5:  Moya

Narrator:  Aeryn finally agrees to go with Crichton, and D’Argo agrees to take both back to Moya.  They land in the hanger and rush up to Command to warn the rest of the crew about Crais.

All crew assembles on Moya.

(Song from 'Stay, We Must Not Lose our Senses')

Crichton:
Stay, we must not lose our senses!  PKs stick at no offenses
will, anon, be here!  They will shoot us with frag cannons!
This planet we should abandon and get out of here!

Everyone:
No, we must not lose our senses!
We have little of defenses we should not be here.
They will shoot us with frag cannons!
This planet we should abandon and get out of...

Everybody screams!

Narrator:  Suddenly, Crais’ Command Carrier appears in front of them!

Crais appears just on the edge of the stage, everyone turns towards him as though he were on screen.

Crais: (spoken) Surrender yourselves or be destroyed!

(Song from 'Hold Monsters')

Zhaan:
Hold, monster! 
Ere your Command Carrier proceeds against our will to imprison us all!
Just bear in mind that we won’t be going quietly,
and on board we have a Luxian General!

Crais:
We’d better pause, or danger may befall!
They have on board a Luxian General!

Moya’s Crew: Yes! Yes! He is a Luxan General!

D’Argo: Yes! Yes! I am a Luxian General!

Crichton: For he is a Luxan General

Crew: He is! Hurrah for the Luxan General!

D’Argo: And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Luxan General!

Crew: It is! Hurrah for the Luxan General! Hurrah for the Luxan General!

(Song from 'I Am the Very Model...')

D’Argo:
I am the very model of a Luxian Major General
I’ve killed all being vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know my lineage of the proud Luxians, all historical
and fought in two battle campaigns that should be quite rhetorical!
I’ve very well acquainted, too, with fighting styles numerous
and can tell jokes, the least of them have proven to be humorous!
About my Qualta Blade I am quite teeming with a lot of news!
Make fun of me, I’ll use it and then your puny life you will lose!

Everyone:
Make fun of him, he’ll use it and then your puny life you will lose!
Make fun of him, he’ll use it and then your puny life you will lose!
Make fun of him, he’ll use it and then your puny life you will surely lose!

D’Argo:
I’m very good at battle strategies and other big campaigns,
so let me tell you something that is true as long’s I’ve got free reign:
In short, when it comes down to fighting and the enemies I’ll quell
I am the very model of a modern Luxian General!

Everyone:
In short when it comes down to fighting and the enemies he’ll quell
He is the very model of a modern Luxian General!

D’Argo:
In fact, I’ve got a soft side too, my wife and son are in my heart.
And I must remain free so in my son’s life I can now take part!
Imprisoned for an awful crime against my wife I di’n’t commit!
I will take revenge on her murderer and this task I won’t quit!
So do not mess with me, I will not be a prisoner anymore!
And if you try to change that, your head will be rolling on the floor.
In short, I will fight to the death! And all you PK’s will then die!
I’ll do it easily, and real hard I won’t have to try!

Everyone:
In fact he’ll do it easily and real hard he won’t have to try!
In fact he’ll do it easily and real hard he won’t have to try!
In fact he’ll do it easily and real hard he won’t even have to try!

D’Argo:
For my military knowledge and my fighting skills are quite complete,
and in my hyper-rage my fighting prowess then just can’t be beat!
And so when it come down to fighting and the enemies I’ll quell
I am the very model of a modern Luxian General!

Everyone:
In short when it comes down to fighting and the enemies he’ll quell
He is the very model of a modern Luxan General!

Scene 6: Moya

Narrator:  The brave bluff doesn’t work though, and Crais attacks

Pilot: The Carrier is preparing  to fire!

Rygel: Someone do something!

Crichton: I have an idea!

Everyone: You? Oh dren!

(Song from 'Oh Men of Dark and Dismal Fate')

Crichton:
Oh prisoners of dark and dismal fate!  Stop treating me like a dunce
I can get us out of this desperate state  Will you just listen to me once?

Crew: Oh what to do? Oh what to do? Oh woe! Oh we are doomed!

Crichton: These calculations see are a maneuver all my own

Crew: Trust Crichton?

Crichton: I used it once and slingshoted me here so far from home

Crew:  Trust Crichton?

Crichton:
It can work now you see, just put some trust here in me!
The carrier comes soon; I'm not just a buffoon
So Aeryn, take the wheel and from here let's go soon

Crew: 
Trust Crichton?
See at our feet he kneels!  How could a primitive deal?
A plan that will reveal a way out here, real soon?
This backwards man!  This primitive man!

Zhaan:
His plan we'll have to try or we will surely die
We've no choice but to trust this sadly primitive guy!

Crew: Trust Crichton?

D'Argo growls loudly. Aeryn stands at the joystick with Crichton beside her

Crichton: (spoken to Aeryn) 28 to 38 degrees, you got it?

Aeryn nods.

Crichton:  Here we go. (all lean left) Let the planet pull us into the atmosphere. More speed, (all lean right) more speed to slingshot us out!  Aeryn, pull out now! 

(All slowly straighten up.)

Pilot: Oh the plan did work we're free!

Crew: Hurrah Hurrah we are now all free

Crichton: And it sometimes is a useful thing to have a tech like me!

Crew: It is! Hurrah for the primitive tech, hurrah for the primitive tech!

Crichton: So now they're all so glad we met, I'll be their leader soon I'll bet

Crew: Oh yes we're all so glad we met, maybe we'll make him into our pet

Aeryn appraises Crichton approvingly.

Aeryn: As a technician he will suit, from this angle he's kind of cute

Crew:
As a technician he will suit and he's got his own shuttle to boot
and though we think so differently, together we will fight to stay free
With a ship full of DRD's

D'Argo: For my son I’ll search the UT!

Crew: Despite dysfunctionality, Moya's Crew's now a family!!!!!!!!

All crew rejoices and troops off stage.

THE END?

Updated: 9/9/01