Plays

Scapespeare

Written By: Act 1 and Act 3, John Clifford "Elflore", Act 2 by Brian Grover

Act 1, Scene 1

Enter Aeryn, Zhaan, D'argo, Chiana, and Rygel. After a few moments, they are joined by Crichton.

ZHAAN: How went the parlay?

CHIANA: Hast thou obtained the parts we need?

RYGEL: And the viands! Forget not the edibles!

AERYN: Scorpy's swift dragons cut the stellar clouds full fast, and we have not the time to waste.

D'ARGO: Aye, m'lady, and the sooner we have left this commerce planet behind us -- and it's curious charm upon our translator microbes -- the more pleased I shall be.

CRICHTON: Peace, my friends. The meeting has gone most splendidly. All which we need shall be provided, and away we shall be ere the eastern gate, all fiery red, opens on Neptune with fair blessed beams, turning to yellow-gold his salt-green streams. In exchange, all the gentle beings of this globe have asked is that we attend their masquerade this eve ...

CHIANA: A night of revels? Most drad!

AERYN: 'Tis nay beyond the limits of endurance, for certain. But was there not more to their price?

CRICHTON: Aye, there was, my lady. 'Twas also requested … that we offer a play for their consideration.

D'ARGO: A play, say you?! Must we strut and fret an hour upon the stage, telling a tale as idiots, full of sound and fury …

RYGEL: And for no monetary significance?!

ZHAAN: Ah, but is all the cosmos not a stage, and all gentle beings merely players? There need be no fear of this performance in thy heart, brave Luxan.

CRICHTON: Indeed not, for the matter is well in hand. Already have I prepared our scripts, and told our hosts the form of our tale-a true and tragic comedy. All we need do, upon this simple stage, is relive an adventure that we survived among the stars.

AERYN: Our hosts shall accept no other recompense?

CRICHTON: Have we any other to offer?

ZHAAN: Nay, we do not, but the Goddess hast provided, and we shall accept her gift, with thanks.

All nod and depart, to prepare for the masque. ( John, Zhaan and Chiana look pleased, Aeryn and D'argo uncertain, and Rygel grouchy.)

And so ends the intro, setting up the masque framework, as well as the reason for our play-within-a-play, Brian's "Through the Looking Glass" adaptation...

Act 1, Scene 2: Much Ado About Shippiness!

Enter John (carrying a mask) and D'argo.

D'ARGO: Crichton, what is this secret endeavor of which you speak? This enigmatic strategy?

CRICHTON: This very night, my friend, I mean to uncover the hidden truth, to unlock the best-guarded of secrets. To learn in what esteem I am truly held by the former Peacekeeper, my lady Sun.

D'ARGO: There lies no secret, friend. The lady's feelings were made plain long ere this eve.

CRICHTON: What say you? If that be true, then how is it she feels?

D'ARGO: If thou does not see, then I can not tell thee.

John stares at him for a moment, confused (if secretly hopeful), but finally gives up and carries on, holding up the mask.

CRICHTON: Look you on this, D'argo, for it is by this mask that I shall learn my lady's heart.

D'ARGO: A mere mask?

CRICHTON: A most extraordinary mask, a gift from our hosts. A rare and wondrous technology. Whilst I wear it, it works a subtle magic upon the very minds of those around me. Where I should stand, only a stranger shall be seen. When my voice should ring out, only a stranger's shall be heard. Aeryn shall never realize it was I to whom she spoke her hidden thoughts!

D'ARGO: Nay, my friend. She is too firm, too constant. This coil shall not infect her reason!

CRICHTON: D'argo, D'argo … o ye of little faith!

D'ARGO: John … you mean to make certain Aeryn can not view thee truly, to discover how she truly views thee? 'Tis a knave's plan, and bound to fail. If ever she viewed thee truly -- and methinks she has -- then she shall see through this deception.

CRICHTON: Well, the time of truth approaches … as does my lady Aeryn!

John quickly puts on his mask as Aeryn enters, with Zhaan. John approaches Aeryn, and they step quietly to one side of the stage. It is unclear whether or not she recognizes him. Meanwhile, Zhaan and D'argo step forward, talking softly, so that the others may not hear them.

ZHAAN: That gentleman there, wearing the mask, is that not … ?

D'ARGO: Aye, m'lady. 'Tis our errant Erpman, Crichton. Through that curious disguise, he means to learn the lady Aeryn's true feelings.

ZHAAN: Our poor, simple human. To go to such lengths, and futilely, when all he need do is open his eyes. She loves him with an enraged affection, it is past the infinite of thought!

D'ARGO: Aye, as is his love for her, yet neither one seems to see.

ZHAAN: It has been said that love is blind, dear D'argo, and our friends seem the proof of it.

Zhaan and D'argo depart, as John and Aeryn move forward, in mid conversation.

AERYN: Will you not tell me who told you so?

CRICHTON: No, you shall pardon me.

AERYN: Nor will you not tell me who you are?

CRICHTON: Not now.

AERYN: Well, this was John Crichton that said so.

CRICHTON: Who's he?

AERYN: I'm sure you know him well enough.

CRICHTON: Not I, believe me!

AERYN: Did he never make you laugh?

CRICHTON: I pray you, what is he?

AERYN: Why, he is the Luxan's lackey, and a very dull fool, only his gift is in devising inexplicable Erp references. None but cowards delight in him, and the commendation is not in his wit but in his weakness, for he both pleases beings and angers them, and then -- as any SACCer shall tell you -- they both laugh at him and beat him.

CRICHTON: When I know the gentleman, I shall tell him what you say.

AERYN: Do, do. He'll but break a comparison on me, which peradventure not marked or laughed at strikes him into a melancholy, and then there's a food cube saved, for the fool will eat no supper that night.

CRICHTON: Wilt thou pardon me, my lady?

AERYN: Of course.

John exits, and Aeryn smiles to herself.

AERYN: A valiant effort, Crichton, but thou shall have to try harder than that…

Aeryn exits.

This time our alien hosts take the spotlight...

Act 1, Scene 3

Enter the first alien, a Noble.

NOBLE: Is there no play to ease the anguish of a torturing hour? Call Philostrate.

The Philostrate (the second alien, and the master of ceremonies for the Masque) steps forward.

PHILOSTRATE: Here, my lord.

NOBLE: Say what entertainment have you for this evening? How shall we beguile this lazy time of night?

PHILOSTRATE: (giving the noble a paper) There is a brief, how many sports are ripe. Make choice of which your lordship shall see first.

NOBLE: 'The battle with the Sheyang, to be sung by a Zenetan female to the harp.' We'll none of that, for there is little challenge in defeating the Sheyang, and little music in a female of the Zenatan species.
'The riot of the tipsy Delvians, tearing the vegetarian in their rage.' That is an ancient tale, I heard it first when I was but seven cycles old.
'The thrice-stomached Hynerians, mourning for the death of banqueting, late deceased in beggary.' An older tale still, the eldest of all, and I have no desire to hear it once more. See that they be fed, and sent quietly on their way.
'A tedious brief scene of young Pilot, and his love Moya, very tragical mirth.' 'Merry' and 'tragical'? 'Tedious' and 'brief'? That is hot ice and wondrous strange snow! How shall we find the concord of this discord?

PHILOSTRATE: A play there is, my lord, some ten microns long (which is as brief as I have known a play), but by ten microns, my lord, it is too long, which makes it tedious; for in all the play there is not one word apt, one player fitted. And tragical, noble lord, it is. For Pilot therein doth nearly kill himself and his Moya, which, when I saw rehearsed, I must confess made mine eyes water; but more merry tears the passion of loud laughter doth never shed.

NOBLE: What are they that do play it?

PHILOSTRATE: An odd assortment of beings, desperate fugitives who run among the stars … though why, I know not, for they seem decent folk.

NOBLE: Then I will hear their play. Go, bring them forth.

Philostrate exits, and the Noble takes his seat in the audience.

Act 2, Scene 1

In the beginning … (I just wanted this to start with "In the beginning…")

All are on stage, save Pilot, who is off-stage, stage right (stage right is to the right while you are on-stage, facing the audience, stage left is to the left when you are facing the audience).

CRICHTON: Is all our company here?

RYGEL:
You were best to call them generally,
being by being, according to the script

D'ARGO:
Frell, John Crichton! Say what the play treats on,
then read the names of the actors, and so grow to a point!

CRICHTON:
Marry, our play is The Most Adventurous Comedy Through the Looking Glass.

D'ARGO: An incomprehensible comment, as always, And do NOT call me Mary.

Crichton raises a hand as he starts to explain, pauses, tugs at his ear, decides to let it drop, and hands out scripts.

CRICHTON: Rygel, Aeryn, D'Argo, Chiana, Zhaan … Pilot, hast thou received thine scripted message?

Pilot should be off-stage, stage right (that's the audience's left).

PILOT: I can say little more than I have studied.

CRICHTON: Speak the speech, I pray you, As I wrote it for you.

They all turn to face the audience.

D'ARGO:
Gentles, perchance you wonder at this show;
But wonder on, till truth make all things plain
This Hynerean is Rygel, if you would know;
These beautious ladies Aeryn, Chiana, Zhaan.

ZHAAN:
This Luxan, with qualta and tentacles, be D'Argo,
That noble D'Argo which doth this crew protect.
This man, John Crichton, science he doth know.
And by our coms with our Pilot we connect.

AERYN:
By starburst did we beings find ourselves
Adrift in some uncharted realm, there thrice mimic'd.
This smelly king, which Rygel hight by name,
Alone, as oft we wish, in realm jaundic'd.

CRICHTON:
Anon, goes D'Argo, into realm of flame,
And Aeryn finds herself in blue hued space
While we three, with our Pilot, we remain.

CHIANA:
Whereat, with naught, save courage and his wits,
John bravely broach'd each fearsome colour'd realm,
And we two, tarrying with Pilot did see
Some creature pierce fabric of reality

PILOT:
'Twas on John Crichton's shoulders to deduce
If creature's aim was succor or abuse.
Now crew as cast before you shall display
Th'events which did take place upon that day.

The players squat, pantomiming eating at a table

RYGEL:
This is not yet a Hynerean feast . . . *hrm*
When clouds are seen, wise men put on their cloaks;
When great leaves fall, then winter is at hand;
When Leviathan is pregnant, who doth not look for new transport?

AERYN:
You are a slight, unmeritable man, meet to be sent on errands --
A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it!

D'ARGO:
A very tainted fellow, and full of wickedness,
Though his message bears merit.

ZHAAN: To stay is numbering stars and drinking oceans.

CHIANA: Pause a while, and let my counsel sway you in this case…

ZHAAN:
I pray thee, cease thy counsel,
Which falls in my ears as profitless as water in a sieve.

PILOT:
Thy counsel I have heard, likewise thy fears,
Thus do I ask thee all to bend thine ears.
Leviathan and I wish not be curs'd
And thus I urge you ready for starburst.

The players perform cheesy synchronized rocking, a la Star Trek, demonstrating the bumpy ride.

Exeunt Crichton, Zhaan, and Chiana, stage right. Exeunt D'Argo, Rygel, and Aeryn, stage left.

Act 2, Scene 2

Enter Crichton, Zhaan, and Chiana, stage right.

ZHAAN: What space, dear friends, is this?

CHIANA: I do not know, Zhaan…

ZHAAN:
And what should we do here?
D'Argo, Aeryn, and Rygel are with Khaahalen.
Perhaps they are not dead; what think you Crichton?

CRICHTON:
I say there is no darkness but ignorance.
Let us seek the counsel of our Pilot;
His servants may see what we can not.

Exeunt all, stage left.

Act 2, Scene 3

Enter Crichton, Chiana, and Zhaan, stage left.

ZHAAN:
Greetings Pilot! Give me your hands, all over, one by one.
Canst thou say'st what has happen'd here?
And where are our lost comrades?

PILOT: All is uneven, and everything is left at six and seven.

CHIANA:
Zhaan and I shall stay with Pilot, John;
p Perhaps thou should'st seek our missing crew.

CRICHTON: I'll put a girdle round about the Leviathan in half an arn!

Exeunt Chiana and Zhaan, stage right. Exeunt Crichton, stage left.

Act 2, Scene 4

Enter Crichton, stage left, stumbling. He crosses the stage while speaking.

CRICHTON: This sickness doth infect the very lifeblood of our Enterprise… our Leviathan.

Enter D'Argo, stage left, stumbling.

Exeunt Crichton, stage right.

D'ARGO: Crichton!

Exeunt D'Argo, stumbling back stage left.

Act 2, Scene 5

Enter Crichton, stage right. Enter Aeryn, stage left. Both are covering their ears, in pain, both backing up, facing away from one another. They collide, and Aeryn draws her gun on Crichton (pantomime).

CRICHTON: Put up your rifle; you know not what you do.

AERYN: Alas, I doubted I would see you once more.

CRICHTON:
Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt.

(Unfortunately, that's all the shippiness I'm taking the time to add)

AERYN: What error drives our ears amiss?

CRICHTON:
In the gross and scope of mine opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our state.
My lady, I will take my leave of you.

Exeunt Crichton, stage right.

Aeryn tosses up her hands in frustration/confusion. Exeunt Aeryn, stage left.

Act 2, Scene 6

Enter Rygel, stage left. Enter Crichton, stage right.

CRICHTON: How now, my Dominar of bombast?

RYGEL:
My eye begets occasion for my wit,
For every object that the one doth catch
The other turns to a mirth-moving jest.

CRICHTON: Why, this is very midsummer madness!

RYGEL: Believe me, I am passing light in spirit

CRICHTON: Ay, and passing else in body.

They both laugh uproariously.

CRICHTON:
My wits begin to turn;
I must make haste.

Exeunt Crichton, stage left, running.

Exeunt Rygel, stage left, slowly, chuckling.

Act 2, Scene 7

Enter Chiana and Zhaan, stage right.

Enter Crichton, stage left.

ZHAAN: Smiling, I greet thee, dear Crichton.

CHIANA: Hast thou the knowledge, now? Welcome, wanderer.

CRICHTON:
Ay, here it is. After our ship did split,
When all of we three poor numbers saved with Pilot
Found ourselves alone with Moya, so too the others
Most provident in peril, found themselves,
Courage and hope both teaching them the patience,
Awaiting help from comrades in sunder'd Leviathan;

Alien noise. All jump as if startled and glance stage left.

PILOT:
But soft! what light through yonder bulkhead breaks?
It is some beast, and Moya would have it slain.
Arise, good crew, and kill this new invader,
Who has already cut and strick'n with fear
This here, our ship, and tried to kill her crew.

CRICHTON:
Be not afraid, since it just tries to speak.
The being discourses; I will answer it.

Exeunt Crichton, stage left. Exeunt Chiana and Zhaan, stage right.

Enter Crichton, stage left.

Voice of Alien: Ill-met in hyper-space, John Crichton!

CRICHTON: Oh heavenly power, guide us out of this fearful space!

Voice of Alien: There lies your way, reverse.

CRICHTON: Then backward, ho!

Exeunt Crichton, stage left.

Enter Crichton, stage left. Enter Chiana and Zhaan, stage right.

CHIANA: What's to do? Shall we become the relics of this space?

CRICHTON:
What fates impose, that men must needs abide;
It boots not to attempt to go ahead
Therefore, I share the wisdom of our guide;
Press all your forces backwards, it is said.

All lurch upstage, (away from the audience), and then the hokey Star Trek "turbulence" effect.

Rygel, then D'Argo, then Aeryn lurch on stage (one at a time). The lurching slowly ends.

D'ARGO:
It gives me wonder great as my content
To see you here before me.

ZHAAN:
Beseech you, all, be merry; you have cause.
So have we all, of joy.

All turn to face the audience, and smile. Crichton steps forward.

CRICHTON:
Thus far with rough and all-unable pen
Our bending author hath pursued the story,
In little room of noble women and men.

Note, bow slightly when saying "bending author". After finishing, gesture for cast to join you for a bow. You're done! Yay! Now go on to John's next piece!

Act 3, Scene 1: D'argo's Hamlet

Following the play-within-the-play, D'argo, Zhaan, Rygel and Chiana discuss their performance...

ZHAAN: Well, gentles…we have persevered, and succeeded! I commend you all!

CHIANA: 'Twas fun! Perhaps we might make our fortune (and our food cubes) as travelling players?

D'ARGO: I think not!

RYGEL: But do you not always 'think not', Luxan?

Rygel laughs and D'argo glares, just as John and Aeryn enter.

CRICHTON: Excellent, my friends, excellent! Our hosts are most impressed…and most of all by thee, D'argo!

D'ARGO: I?

AERYN: Indeed. They cry for encore, and wish to hear thee speak again.

D'ARGO: No. They might wish, but if they do not demand, then my part is done.

RYGEL: Thou art afraid! (D'argo growls warningly, while Rygel looks to the others, still chuckling.) The Luxan is a coward! He claims to have faced two battle campaigns, yet he will not face a mere audience? Why, when I still held my throne, I faced crowds of a thousand thousand times as many!

D'ARGO: Then thou shall face this one with me!

D'argo picks up Rygel and throws him to the front of the stage (or pushes him, depending on how Rygel is created/played). He glares at the Hynerian for another moment, then makes his speech …

D'ARGO:
To squash or not to squash-that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The whines and snurches of outrageous Rygel,
Or to take qualta against the pesky dominar,
And, by opposing, end him. To smash, to crush --
At last -- and by crushing to say we end
The flatulence and the thousand unnatural pains
That Rygel puts us through -- 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To smash, to crush --
To crush, perchance to escape. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what tricks might he play,
When he has shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the fear
That makes calamity of such pleasant plans.
For who would bear the gloats and scorns of he,
Th' Hynerian wrong, the proud little Sparky …
When he himself might his quietus make
With a charged pulse rifle? Who would Rygel bear,
To whinge and curse, such a froggy annoyance,
But for the dread that death might not end him,
The uncharted territory from whose stars
No traveler returns, might not hold him
And make us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the Luxan hue of resolution
Is frelled over with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment,
With this regard their currents turn to dren
And lose the name of action.

Act 3, Scene 2: Closer

Here's the final speech. I still have it attributed to Rygel ... my thought was that he makes a perfect Puck, and he could give this speech as either our alien hosts or a couple of friends of ours planted in the audience begin to doze off, as if Rygel is somehow lulling them asleep. When he finishes speaking, he'd beckon Chiana to come help him snurch from the unconscious audience.

RYGEL: If we travelers have offended,
Think but this and all is mended:
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream.
Gentles, do not reprehend.
If you pardon, we will mend.
And as I am a Dominar of principle,
If we have luck that we might yet triple
Now to 'scape the Luxan's tongue,
We will make amends ere long.
Else the Dominar a liar call.
So good night unto you all.
Give me your valuables (coughs) … hands, if we be friends,
And Rygel shall restore amends.

Rygel gestures Chiana forward. Rygel and Chiana attempt to steal something from the planted characters in the audience.

John and Aeryn enter and drag Chiana back to the stage. D'Argo and Zhaan enter and drag Rygel back to the stage.

Curtain, and the crowd goes nuts!